Arm out the window just to floss my ice
THE WAR REPORT
This week has several unintentional themes: good (polos) vs evil (polos), European Freshness, starting from the bottom (caps) now we here (full garment program), and when what you seek is in front of you the whole time. We also discuss T-Funk. Today is the 18th anniversary of The War Report (OG), so we recommend soundtracking this week’s updates accordingly.
TACTICAL UPDATES
UPPER UNIFORM
Ete Knit Polo Shirt by Helás Caps
MORE THAN JUST CAPS! Helás boasts one of the most stylish crews in skateboarding, so it makes sense they’d expand from Crackin Caps to the whole damn kit. This knit polo was hit like a landmine during a recent browse through one of our local Outfitters. It’s easy to settle into the t-shirt-based uniform with the occasional button-up or hoodie popped on top. The humble polo shirt is often overlooked. There’s also the polo shirt’s association with dorks, geeks, nerds, losers, and other fools. But the polo shirt is inextricably linked to some of the Most Vaunted Warfighters in history. And they come in all different shapes and shades from TWR Approved Manufacturers. This Helás one stands out because it’s in the lane of one of menswear’s biggest horrors but it is engineered to the exact specifications of Style Soldiers. It fits like a standard polo and has a standard hem, in stark contrast to the tight fits and banded hems we see on every reality television doofus. The knit material is a Good Weight compared to the see-through or weighted-blanket options peddled by others. Muted beige provides the perfect backdrop for a blue geometric jacquard pattern across the chest. Helás’ distribution appears to be growing throughout the Homefront, and The War Report is proud to support continued Brotherhood with our European Homies in the face of broader hostilities. The Franco-American relationship will always remain strong.
LOWER UNIFORM
Chilli Lite Short by Kavu
Another Caps to Kits story: KAVU started with the now-iconic Strapcap, but greatness begets greatness and their fans demanded more. KAVU is now also known for great bags and thoughtfully-designed outdoor gear with Pacific Northwest sensibilities. We finally decided to give these shorts a go after many visits to KAVU’s Ballard Ave outpost. We’re usually into a more typical approach to pocket design, so the depth and front/back symmetry of these was an unnecessary hurdle we needed to overcome to touch Greatness. The source of our Hesitation became the source of our Happiness with yet another garm. Soldiers carry tons of Shit, and more and more as we progress through the ranks. Sometimes a tote bag is overkill. But you need a bit more than a lil pack. Sure, you could grab some cargo shorts, but these Bad Bois allow you to stash more Shit and do it in relative style and comfort. Spreading all that Shit across 4 pockets better maintains maneuverability in addition to enabling quicker access to your Shit. Buy some.
EQUIPMENT
Frank Sunglasses by Sun Buddies
“These Swedish.” Two words that signify Excellence. Sun Buddies sunglasses are the brainchild of Trés Bien, longtime producer of Hard Garms, retailer of TWR Approved Manufacturers, and global ambassadors for the Swedish Steez. Initially inspired by some dope shades from a classic Swedish film, they’ve expanded the line to pay tribute to some of the Most Goated of All Goats. We recently watched the film Ferrari by legendary Vibe Curator Michael Mann and, no surprise here, the Style was Stunning. In particular, Adam Driver was rocking some very dope shades as Enzo Ferrari. We searched high and wide for the something similar but nothing came close to hitting the mark. The journey ended precisely where it should’ve started - The Sun Buddies Frank in Black. As already noted, The War Report remains committed to our transcontinental homies through thick and thin and Sweden is one of the foremost exporters of Stunters and Stunt Paraphernalia. Skal, y’all.
FIELD NOTES
SOLDIER OF THE WEEK
Tristan Funkhouser
Authenticity is the ultimate mark of a Soldier. We see you when you’re Trying. Tristan Funkhouser doesn’t try because the motherfucker Just Is. Innate Style and Confidence is what we all strive for and T-Funk is The Blueprint. His part in Baker’s “Gimmie A Break” sparked the SOTY chatter thanks to his patented brand of Aggression and Creativity. But the fits deserve much more attention than they’ve received. T-Funk has adopted a bit of a uniform - cropped pants, white socks, classic shoes from a company that should put him on the goddamn program, and a vintage tee. He always manages to be fitted as a motherfucker within these relatively strict confines thanks to the same thoughtful and creative approach he brings to skating. The maniac is as cerebral and meticulous as his mentor. The pants are always cropped, but he embraces the wide variety of bottoms the world provides and crops them to suit. The vintage tees look cool, sure, but they’re also a glimpse into his varied influences. The shoes are often bespoke in some way, almost taunting us with this devastating fact: we can’t buy a signature Tristan Funkhouser shoe, let alone a colorway, but we can be hammered over the head with Curren instead.
ENEMY OF THE WEEK
Travis Mathew
Fathers Day has passed and no doubt Travis Mathew saw a healthy boost in revenue from the holiday. Shame on you if you were one of them. Their tagline is “California-inspired men's and women's apparel & accessories, for elevated everyday style.” Is the California in the room with us right now? Travis Mathew is nothing more than shitty polo shirts, flexfit hats, bad graphic tees, and everything else a Juiceless Suburban Man needs to hit the links or pound a brewski or buy stocks or various other shenanigans those wacky guys are getting up to! There’s six million ways to polo - stop choosing the wrong one.
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.