Both the feds and the state wanna see about me
THE WAR REPORT
It’s 4th of July week! We’ve got head-to-toe recos to make sure you celebrate the birth of our nation with Taste and Style! Putting That Shit On is the ultimate form of Patriotism. Plus, we dive into why Tim Pool is a poserassbitch. God Bless The War Report, God Bless True Patriots, and God Bless America!
TACTICAL UPDATES
HEADWEAR
Walter Linen Bucket Hat by Carhartt WIP
The Function is likely to be Normies Only, so a good way to disarm them is finding common ground. Carhartt is The Brand when it comes to serving Something For Everyone. The Blue Collar Brothers have the “Hardware Store” Carhartt Shit. The Fashion Brothers have the Vintage Carhartt Shit. The Tasteful European and European-Influenced Skateboarders and Good Dressers have Carhartt WIP. Walk among Them in perfect camouflage. This linen makeup is a perfect summer bucket to keep your dome protected without overheating. The iconic Carhartt logo is the great equalizer and instantly disarms a potentially hostile crowd.
OUTERWEAR
Water Repellent Nylon Packable Windbreaker by Muji
4th of July temperatures and precipitation forecasts can vary dramatically from sea to shining sea, so it’s a good idea to bring a little something to put on just in case. Muji has a packable jacket that’s just right. Windbreakers are a perfect layer to battle any element you might encounter and are not too heavy for July. This one has the addition of water-repellent coating and a hood that can be stashed in the collar, making it well suited for the notoriously drizzly PNW 4th of July Function. If you’re blessed to celebrate in sun and warmth, it packs down into its pocket to toss into your tote bag just in case a need for cover may arise. Plus, the price point really can’t be beat.
UPPER UNIFORM
God Bless America Tee by Quartersnacks
The 4th of July is about Chilling, Grilling, and kicking off summer in Style. We have 364 other days of the year to Tell Them What’s Good, so it’s best to just avoid any unnecessary potential Political Confrontations at the Function. The other fellas will have their Grunt Style and Old Navy and Travis Mathew and everything in between, done up with gaudy patriotic graphics or good old fashioned Americana. Flags Everywhere! You may not wanna sport a flag that currently represents Very Heinous Bullshit Carried Out By a Fascist Regime, but this classic Quartersnacks banger is perfect if you wanna blend in with a Patriotic graphic tee of your own and still stay True To You. Our country’s biggest exports to the world are Murder and Violence, but QS highlights the most important American exports: Skateboarding and Rap Music. This tee is long out of print but well worth hunting down.
LOWER UNIFORM
Baggies by Patagonia
Baggies (seen above on Lurker Lou courtesy of Village Psychic) are a Do Everything garm, perfect for Functions that offer a variety of Activities. They’re been around Forever and are pretty much everybody’s go-to for good reason. Baggies are the ultimate water shorts in case it’s hot and the Function has aquatic activities, but they also Just Look Good and work for your urban and/or dry Functions. On the inseam tip, just do whatever makes you happy. 5 inch is Better for use in the water but 7 inch is also good. Shorter will probably startle the Cargo Shorts Crowd while also getting plaudits from the Chubbies crowd. Plan accordingly.
FOOTWEAR
We’ve previously reported on Good Footwear for Any Activity. That’s the obvious choice, especially if the Function might be unpredictable and you could find yourself in unexpected water. That said, most Functions are just straightforward barbecues or other Get Togethers. No need to overthink it here. Throw on whatever’s comfortable and goes with the rest of the fit! Feel Confident and Superior in the sea of Ons and Hey Dudes and Rainbows. You are Better than Them!
EQUIPMENT
Elia Post Modern Primitive Eye Protection by Brain Dead
Whether it’s a beautiful summer cookout or you just wanna Stunt, eyewear is crucial for the July 4th fit. You’ll likely be surrounded by Pit Vipers and Fake Prada and maybe even Smart Glasses, so make sure you’ve got a Lil Somethin Cool to level it out. Brain Dead’s Post Modern Primitive Eye Protection program is producing exactly the Weird Eye Covering’s you’d expect from those zany cats. They have the classic and futuristic and trendy Shit all covered. The Elia is a Beefy cellulose acetate frame and they’re whipping them up in many cool colorways. We’ve had our pair for 4 years, an eternity for all of us Soldiers prone to leaving our shades out in the field. They take a beating and look Tight as hell.
FIELD NOTES
SOLDIER OF THE WEEK
You, Soldier! Throw on a Hard Ass fit and celebrate yourself this week. You Deserve It!
ENEMY OF THE WEEK
Tim Pool aka Beanie Baby
Tim would have you believe he is a Woke-Hating Super Genius with Mad Skillz on a Skateboard and Hair on his Head. Our reporting has found that this claim is untrue. Our reporting can also reveal that he dresses like Shit. Tim is one of many Lib-turned-MAGA social media grifters who tap into the political zeitgeist for views and money. Tim has even been proven to work for Russia! Could a Super Genius get duped into sharing propaganda for a foreign government? His own clips easily refute the purported Mad Skillz on a Skateboard. Tim only does circus tricks. Each clip is the same: Tim in his barn dressed in 2010’s Skater Cosplay doing some kind of flippy-turny silly flip filmed by one of the other Wannabe Skateboarders he hangs out with. His clips are the type that go viral and eventually your coworker or aunt sends it to you and you have to feign interest so as not to be a jerk. But that Shit sucks in ways that can’t even be articulated with words. The most egregious lie, that there is Hair on his Head, is also the funniest. Tim is nothing without His Beanie. Tim is very rarely seen without His Beanie. Tim has positioned His Beanie as an intentional part of his Persona. He carries himself as if he’s getting away with it, like he fooled us all, like nobody knows what lurks beneath His Beanie. But, like George Costanza in a wig, Tim is fooling absolutely nobody. He’s Bald as fuck and everyone knows it! Drop the act, Tim! Where’s Elaine when you need her!
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.
I opted for a Bronze 56K bucket hat, but yes.