INFANTRY ANALYSIS: Soldiers and Enemies of the Week
Men of Valor, Men of Shame
So many men, so little time. We can’t pick just one Soldier each week since there are so many Men of Valor out there, a wonderful statement to make considering the contrasting plethora of Disgraceful Assholes bringing shame to the rest of us. And that’s why we can’t just have on Enemy of the Week! The Infantry Analysis highlights the good, bad, and Shitty happening around the world of dudes, from Banging Fits to Ignorant Pricks and everything in between.
Salute to all the Commandos putting in work with Fits, Vibrations, Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Outspokenness 🫡 And Fuck You to all the Wack Idiots making the world a worse place 🖕
SOLDIERS of the WEEK
Andrew Callaghan
Andrew’s been making waves as a member of the “New Media” for a long time now, criss-crossing the country originally on “All Gas No Brakes” and now doing it under the banner of “Channel 5.” He’s a thoughtful and inquisitive journalist, tries to be fair and direct and give his subjects a real shot to tell their story in their words. He certainly doesn’t shy away from his personal beliefs, but he doesn’t necessarily let those beliefs color his stories or who he covers. Most recently, he linked up with Nick Shirley to hear straight from the source all about the recent controversy in Minnesota that’s fueled Trump’s fire to burn the city to the ground. Andrew gave him the rope, and plenty of opportunities not to do it, but Shirley hung himself. His baffling idiocy couldn’t be hidden and their conversation was full of tremendous quotes from one of the dumbest human beings ever to have built a platform on social media. We’re grateful to Andrew for exposing the bad, highlighting the good, and covering so many things that otherwise wouldn’t get the attention they deserve.
Commendation: Capitol Hill Commander
Anthony Black
Mike Vallely VS. 4 random ocks? Nope, it’s Anthony Black vs. 4 Memphis Grizzlies.
Commendation: Three Six Mafia
Karim Callender
Karim Callender has the most infectious smile in skateboarding. That energy translates to his skating, his fits, and everything else he does. It’s a cold world, but his new feature in Monster Children is a good reminder to choose Happiness. This quote really hit for us: “‘I try to laugh as much as I can, be hyped and just try to push myself to remember shit can be so much worse. The most random shit gets me pumped, I really just remember to talk to strangers, smile, or whatever. It really works.” Excited to see more of him in 2026.
Commendation: Leader of the Smile Squadron
Azeez Al-Shaair
Most athletes shy away from taking a stand lately, especially NFL players after the way Colin Kaepernick was blackballed for daring to protest. Texans linebacker Azeez Al-Shaair is not one of those silent athletes. Al-Shaair recently took an $11K fine for writing “STOP THE GENOCIDE” on his eyeblack during a playoff win over the Steelers. He was threatened with being kicked out of the game if he did it the following week against the Patriots. He’s been a staunch supporter of Palestine, repping the cause on his cleats and speaking out against the ongoing genocide. Earlier this year, he was quoted as saying, “If my platform can bring even a little hope to families in Palestine, then that is what I want to use it for.” In response to the fine, “But things that are going on makes people uncomfortable. Imagine how those people feel. I think that’s the biggest thing. I have no affiliation, no connection to these people, other than the fact that I’m a human being.” This is Ultimate Soldier Shit.
Commendation: Righteous Ranger
Eamon Durkan
The skating is top notch, but we were struck by Eamon Durkan’s fits in Double E, the new Orchard edit with fellow Sexhippies rider Eddie Vargas. We’re big fans of Skaters in Jordans, so that front tail in Carmine 6s had our jaw on the floor! Greatness.
Commendation: Swag Patrol
ENEMIES of the WEEK
Shayne Davis
The Vanderpump Rules reboot has a lot of the same magic as the original run: really dumb people with no self awareness unafraid to make a fool of themselves for a national television audience. Shayne doesn’t even work at Sur, but the producers must’ve included him anyway since he’s the star of the show for all the wrong reasons. He has a truly tragic background, raised by drug addict parents and eventually getting strung out himself. He was shot and almost killed as a teenager. The sympathy dries up once you see him use these stories as a means to an end (banging chicks). He plays a character at all times, the quintessential 90s heartthrob, down to the hair and accent and little chain. It’s like he’s trying to play Evil Zach Morris in a porno parody of Saved By The Bell. He’s absolutely insufferable and lets his dick do all his thinking. He’s perfect for VPR, and we’re excited to see what other cringe BullShit he gets into this season.
Danger Warning: cover your drink and wrap it up
Declan Rice
The Marty Supreme jackets died out the minute the film hit theaters, so leave it to doofy Declan Rice to pull up to the NBA UK game on January 18th rocking one with a Supreme hat to go with it. The Premier League’s most sauceless player certainly didn’t get the jacket from Timothée himself, who’s a football fanatic that’s taken in the sights and sounds of Stamford Bridge and on wax as preferring The Blues in the Prem. This is actually the second time poor Declan has sported a Marty Supreme jacket despite Chalamet’s absolute hatred of the midfielder. Embarrassing! Come on Chelsea!
Danger Warning: likely to bottle it
Matthew Tkachuk
Nothing coming from the swamp of Florida should come as a surprise in this day and age, yet we were still left dumbfounded to see the unbelievable display of weakness from the Florida Panthers, winners of the Stanley Cup, as they made their visit to the White House to celebrate with the President. Matthew Tkachuk took the mic and did everything but fondle the Fuhrer’s balls as he showered him with embarrassing praise. “I want to say on behalf of the whole organization and mainly the players, we are so honored to be here. Being an American, I know I said it last year, but nothing beats this. I’m so proud to be an American so proud to be here with you and everybody else,” Tkachuk said. A fella on twitter recently compiled the data and found the NHL to be 43.9% Republican, second only to the MLB at 53.7% (!!!), Tkachuk is at the elder end of Gen Z, and Florida is a Shitstain of a place, and the Panthers owner was nominated to serve as Secretary of the Army in the first Trump administration, so all of this should be expected. Yet we still cannot believe the throngs of laughably wack dudes lining up to fellate a man who is as dumb pathetic as Donald Fucking Trump. The Panthers first game after the White House visit was a matchup with the Carolina Hurricanes. They lost 9-1.
Danger Warning: Florida Man Boy
Carson Beck
The University of Miami student athlete was asked about his classes while doing press in the leadup to his team’s appearance in the College Football Playoff Championship Game™️. “No class. I graduated two years ago,” he responded with a smirk. In a bygone era, you would be in deep Shit for saying the quiet part out loud like this. This could be one of those “Don’t Hate The Player, Hate The Game” situations given the state of college athletics following the introduction of NIL and the transfer portal, but nah. We’re hating the player. Beck graduated from Georgia two whole years ago. This was his SIXTH season of football, and Georgia fans did not like the way he left their program to transfer to Miami and pick up $3 million in NIL with it. Perhaps Karma came for him in the end, as his game-ending interception handed the title to Indiana. Peace out, Dickhead!
Danger Warning: Sid the sloth
Kyle Cooke
Amanda Batula finally got sick of his BullShit, and Kyle Cooke is now a single guy on the prowl after they announced their divorce on Instagram Stories recently. This won’t really change anything for Kyle, of course, who’s well known for cheating on Amanda, constantly hitting on women, getting comatose drunk, and acting like a Fuckin’ buffoon for the past 10 seasons on Bravo’s Summer House. The failed entrepreneur-cum-DJ is now free to do all the Shit he did as a married man without an annoying wife to get all worked up. We’re glad Kyle, age 43, can lean into his desired life of a 20-something bachelor with horrendous fits and a matching unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Sky’s the limit, bro!
Danger Warning: send it at your own risk
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together. TWR sticker packs available here.