THE WAR REPORT: Style Recommendations from the Front Line
Dressed like I just come from P.E, you're dressed like you just come from church
This week we’re bringing you shorts from Australia, a track jacket from Ireland, and a graphic tee from right here in the US of A. DC photographer Owen Basher is our Soldier of the Week. Dave Portnoy is an obnoxious little boy. TUESDAY MEANS WAR!
TACTICAL UPDATES
UPPER UNIFORM
Track Jacket by Pellador
Every Soldier should have a tracksuit in their Armory, and we’re not talking about an adidas jawn for that one time you went as Run DMC for Halloween. A high quality tracksuit looks crinkly, sounds swishy, and feels expensive. Branding should be extremely subtle (e.g. no fucking stripes down the sides). And the material has to be nylon, absolutely no exceptions. This Pellador trackie checks every single box, plus it has a couple surprises to set it apart from the crowd. In addition to the usual side pockets, this one has welt pockets at the chest like you’d typically see on a beastly winter parka. There’s a different level of Comfort and Swag when your hands are chilling up near your chest compared to when they’re gripping your gut. Pellador also added in a drawstring at the waist for customization of fit and silhouette. The tasteful charcoal color offset with accents of olive and brown and two subtle hits of Pellador branding finish this jacket with sophistication and class. Ireland is historically known for their woolen hats and sweaters, but Pellador is doing their best to prove that the Emerald Isle also produces some of the world’s finest sportswear.
UPPER UNIFORM
Guitar Man T-Shirt by Genesis
Genesis is here with their summer collection to ensure you stay Filthy during the warm months. Look around The Industry right now and many of the most exciting skateboarders and Dressers are Genny or Genny-affiliated. It started as a video series documenting the crew at Jefferson Skatepark in south Seattle and has grown into a Skateboarding Empire producing professional skateboarders, talented artists, killer edits, insane board graphics, and Great Graphic Tees. The summer 2025 collection has it all on display, especially with this Big Ass guitar man graphic tee. The Youth is going to the archives for lots of styling tips lately, head-scratchingly fetishizing the era around 2008 with graphics and clothing design. We don’t fully understand it, but having participated back then, we’re happy to see this style of gaudy flash embraced by the youth. The only thing that could make this more period-accurate would be to shrink the graphic a bit and move it to the ribcage. What’s more, the graphic comes from the mind and hand of Genny ripper Jasper Levine and the tees are hand screened in Pontiac, Michigan, by Stunt 365, another youngster that’s also carving their own unique path in 2025. You can keep bitching about The Youth and Zoomers or you could open your mind to greatness. You choose.
LOWER UNIFORM
Climber Shorts by Butter Goods
Butter Goods makes some Psycho Shit, some Hard Shit, and some Mellow Shit, which is the proper mix of garms for a top tier Outfitter of The War Effort. They might be Aussies but they sure have that Atlanta mentality when it comes to designing high quality, interesting clothes. These classically-inspired climbing shorts feature some patented Butter Goods detailing like nylon ripstop textile, a little cargo pocket just above the knee, and a looser fit than the standard. The blacked out colorway helps the back pocket branding pop - a 90’s-inspired gecko logo patch adding to the modernized vintage look that Butter Goods nails every single time. While you’re browsing the shorts, be sure to check out the sale section for a grip of bangers that are priced to move - Umbro football shirts, tons of tees and hoodies, and solid jackets for when the weather turns to Shit in a few months. Butter’s sister brand, Cash Only, is also producing outstanding clothes and sponsoring skaters that personify Real Soldier Shit. The American-Australian Transcontinental Brotherhood is as strong as ever.
TACTICAL UPDATES
SOLDIER OF THE WEEK
Washington, DC is the most bizarre place in the world. On the one hand, every Piece Of Shit from around the planet descends on the city to fight for Power and Money and Notoriety. On the other hand, Pulaski Park (officially known as Freedom Plaza) has created one of the Sickest communities of Good People anywhere on earth. Owen Basher is photographing it all. His new photo book, Bumper, showcases some of The Good Shit happening in our nation’s capitol, a welcome reprieve from the constant drip of Bad Shit we usually hear about. Owen’s photos highlight the vibrant younger generation of skaters, artists, and designers around Pulaski, a place that lurks in the shadow of the White House. Owen has an eye for skateboarding that could only spring from a place like Pulaski - a reverence for history mixed with a drive to keep things fresh and interesting. In addition to taking banging photographs, he’s got a tasteful bag of tricks and is one of the best dressed In The Field. Owen personifies everything The War Effort needs. Buy a copy of Bumper today, read Ian Browning’s profile on Owen in the most recent Simple Magic, and get your ass to DC as soon as you can.
LOSER OF THE WEEK
Dave Portnoy
This week, Fox Sports announced a major new partnership with Vaunted Macho Man Dave Portnoy aka Stool Sample Prime Minister or whatever. For years, we’ve had nowhere to go but ESPN’s Pat McAfee to get the biting commentary, witty banter, and sharp insights we need in order to enjoy a Saturday of college football. Thanks to Fox Sports, Dave Portnoy will bring his patented brand of good-natured humor, intelligent commentary, and tasteful dressing to their coverage of Big 10 football. Finally, the only two broadcasters of relevant college football games each have their very own Man for everyone to look up to! Portnoy is a well-known style icon, rocking a trademark look of nut-hugging ripped jeans paired with any style of shirt that can show off his absolutely Built chest. He usually sets off the look with dusty white sneakers complete with no-show socks to give that little glimpse of ankle that makes the girls fall at his feet. People make fun of him for standing on his tippy-toes when photographed to appear taller, but this is an Alpha move known the world over. Only Alphas know how important it is to hide your insecurities behind bluster, bravado, and Extremely Shitty Outfits. We’re blessed to have Stool Sample Prime Minister on our television sets every Saturday this fall. After all, Saturdays Are For The Boys.
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.