THE WAR REPORT
APRIL 28, 2025
Welcome to the inaugural edition of The War Report. Men’s style has always been BAD but there’s been a dangerous decline for decades. Years of the average man dressing like a slob has given rise to today’s average man dressing like Shit. Personally, I blame Zara, Bravolebrities, social media, Bachelorette contestants, the collapse of our education system, and Fortnite, but this is not the point of The War Report. There will certainly be casualties, but this will mostly be a positive place where we share the Good Shit. We’re in the streets scouting the Hardest Shit so you never go into battle without the proper equipment.
TACTICAL UPDATES
HEADWEAR
Jacquard Knit Bucket Hat by Sexhippies
Oh yeah! This Shit goes. Released in 2023, this one might be hard to track down but worth the hunt. A wonderful black and white jacquard knit with an ever-so-subtle black embroidered SH logo. Plus it’s a lil hypnotizey like those paintings from the 90s that you squinted at to see a picture. The craftsmanship of this and every SH garm is unimpeachable. I’m currently running this on vacation in Maui but it’s also a go-to domepiece for skating, sunning, and general stunting. Massive shout to Ben from Sexhippies for crafting some of the best garments on the planet. Big love mon.
LOWER UNIFORM
Damn Near Carpenters in Bone by WKND Skateboards
I’m really into white pants lately. “Bone” is a way tuffer name for white, so kudos to the WKND marketing department on that bit of genius. They always nail the little details, like the blue contrast stitching and the branding on the hammer loop. I believe they’re called “Damn Near Carpenters” because the hammer loop will never be used for a hammer unless you’re Shane Auckland (ultra talented filmmaker that also happens to be smooth with the tools) or something. White denim is a great material selection - sturdy, comfortable, and looks Tight as Hell. WKND is doing pants better than pretty much any other skateboard company at the moment. They’re offering multiple styles, fits, patterns, and even those maniacal Nikolai Piombo swishies. Letting your riders design Some Shit is how skateboarding is meant to be. And focusing on PANTS is the smartest business decision a brand could ever possibly make. Take it from me, a guy with a Business job.
FOOTWEAR
Hydro Runner RFL 1TRL by Merrell
Crocs are good and you need to pull your head out of your ass if you still disagree in 2025. BUT there’s a million other great footwear options depending on the need. These Merrells are the best water shoe I’ve found because they wear like a sneaker when you’re stompin through town and work like a water shoe when you see the beach. Two shoes in one is real bang for the buck and important for packing light. I don’t pack light, of course, and still brought two pairs of sneakers and one pair of Crocs. But I could’ve packed light with the Merrells if I wanted to! Once again my Business acumen shines. These are also a great daily slip-on shoe when I need to run a quick errand or pop outside to bun a zoot. Make sure it’s the 1TRL line, lest you cop mainline and risk being recognized as Gen Pop. Soldiers must stick together and be able to recognize each other when we’re in the trenches.
FIELD NOTES
SOLDIER OF THE WEEK
Chi-town affiliate Malik (@chuupppp on twitter) is in his mf bag. He’s always busting out a banging fit or whippin up something bespoke. Dude pulled up to Slow Impact 2024 like it was a runway. That’s Real Soldier Shit. I heard Future wrote “No Basic” about Malik but someone removed the Genius annotation. These purple jorts hit my timeline like an IED. You’re looking at Eggplant Rit dye on some thrifted vintage Levi’s cutoffs. It’s as simple as it gets, which is usually how you get the best result. I’ve been wanting to experiment with dyeing some Shit for a really long time. I’m finally gonna go for it.
ENEMY OF THE WEEK
Melin is the worst brand to devastate the male population since Allbirds. The name is stupid. The logo is bad. The material looks weird. And the hat designs are just straight up dogshit. I’m really not sure how much more we can tolerate before we must take action.
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.
This is the intel that the new battles require. Thank you for your service.