They told me don't go walking slow...the devil's on the loose
THE WAR REPORT
Welcome The War Report. Men’s style has always been BAD but there’s been a dangerous decline for decades. Years of the average man dressing like a slob has given rise to today’s average man dressing like Shit. Personally, I blame Zara, Bravolebrities, social media, Bachelorette contestants, the collapse of our education system, and Fortnite, but this is not the point of The War Report. There will certainly be casualties, but this will mostly be a positive place where we share the Good Shit. We’re in the streets scouting the Hardest Shit so you never go into battle without the proper equipment.
TACTICAL UPDATES
UPPER UNIFORM
1717 Heavyweight Short Sleeve Tee by Comfort Colors
There’s a reason every single piece of Good Merch is printed on a Comfort Colors blank. It is the perfect t-shirt. It is heavy without being hard, it retains it’s shape through countless washes, it comes in just about every color you can think of, and it’s cheap affordably priced. Every men’s fashion brand has an overpriced trendy-shape t-shirt but they should all Give Up and use Comfort Colors. Seriously. And you should too. Buy em in bulk in lots of different colors. You don’t need any other t-shirt.
LOWER UNIFORM
Chort Short by Poler
Mark it down - another jawn copped off the Stuntin of a fellow Soldier. We rolled by one of the other skate houses to grab my board on a recent trip and the homie stumbled out in these Poler stunners. I didn’t say “What’s good G!” I said “yo what are those shorts????” It’s hard to be more classic than a corduroy short, but these bitches are spruced up for the modern man. Cut bigger (Cover Your Thighs you skanks), a bit of stretch in the material, and offered here in a lovely ox blood colorway. Poler has a legacy of blending outdoor sensibilities with a skateboarder’s mindset and a Portland spirit. The brand has gone through typical ups and downs (and acquisitions and Shit) but right now they’re focused on making Banging gear just like in the early days. Summer is coming and it’s time to stop sweating through those heavy-ass Pants while you’re desperately trying to get that clip. Embrace the breeze! Show off those leg bangers. But for the love of god cover your fucking thighs.
EQUIPMENT
Belts by Loosey
Most of us have ditched the shoelace by now, right? How many times did you watch a clip back and think you were wearing a thong? Thankfully we’re living through the Waistband Renaissance - fewer Elastic Abominations and Bangin Belts as far as the eye can see. Lots of Recruits are diggin in the crates for some of the Studded and Shiny Shit we put ourselves through back then. The OGs are moving into Real OG terroir on their braids and Shit. Just about all TWR Approved Manufacturers are giving a belt or two each season. We’re seeing old-fashioned skate belts, some high-fashion Type Shit, Boring, and everything in between. You could be scouring the earth for a good one, or go to Loosey for nothing but Great Ones. Jordan Taylor is producing heater after heater from his own unhinged noggin and in collaboration with stylish pros. The materials and build quality are of the utmost, unsurprisingly, but they’re still priced to moooooooove. Coppin from Loosey means supporting one of the most Creative and Interesting Soldiers out. Get two.
FIELD NOTES
SOLDIER OF THE WEEK
Jalen Williams
Bizarre in every possible way: 24-year-old NBA star Jalen Williams was fined $25K for wearing a t-shirt with a cuss word on it during his post-game media availability. The shirt? Merch for legendary British second-wave ska band Madness. The message? “FUCK ART LET’S DANCE.” Was it a stylist? Is he a vintage head? Did he just like the message? Does he fucking love Madness????? It’s worlds clobbering together that never could’ve been imagined and this is Type Shit that makes life so exciting. Go Wolves.
ENEMY OF THE WEEK
Jesse Solomon
Where to start. This boy has been on a tour of self-destruction like we’ve rarely seen in the Bravoverse. Every interview shows him to be even more oblivious (or Devious) than the last. Dawg, you are on a very popular television show. You can’t talk your way out of this Shit when it’s all on film you Dipshit! Even West, fellow Shitty Boy Manipulator Extraordinaire, recognizes that Jesse is totally out of touch. West!!! On some level, we see him for who he is: a sad boy who just wants to feel loved. At the same time, we can not excuse the wreckage this Pathetic bitch leaves in his wake. My favorite part of Summer House was how OBVIOUSLY jealous he was of Imrul’s lifestyle that he was sniping at him like a pissy little child. I don’t know about yall, but I don’t believe he spent 37 minutes in that bed and the only thing he got sucked was a Toe. And then he went a fucked Erika Jayne (22 years older and more Pathetic than him). I realize I have not mentioned his incredibly Shitty “fashion.” There is genuinely nothing to say about it if you can’t see it for yourself. Jesse, please, get some self-respect.
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.