TWR Dossier: The Boys of The Valley
Bravo is a who’s who of guys who dress like clowns with behavior to match. Even surrounded by dozens of Shitty dressers, the cast of The Valley plays in a league of their own. We’ve compiled our insights on them below.
DANNY
Like many men, Daniel Booko picked a style in his younger years and never once considered that this style might ever fall out of fashion. In Danny’s case, he looks like a budget Nick Lachey on a 98 Degrees comeback tour. Danny’s like a lot of men that have a very brief dalliance with Caring About Their Attire for about a month in their mid-20s and immediately forget to care about it ever again. They’re stuck with a closet full of Trendy Bullshit and they just keep running it without a second thought. Sticking out like a sore thumb evidently doesn’t bother them. In Daniel’s case, we are talking The Absolute Worst 2010’s Fashion: ripped jeans, long t-shirts with weird hems, stupid hats, boots that zip on the sides, and the rest of the accoutrements. Every time he appears on the screen is a time machine to a bygone era. The long shirts shorten his already little legs and call even more attention to his bite-size-body. Danny lacks even the slightest bit of self awareness, so it is a bit unfortunate to see it happening and know nothing can be done to help him. There’s more than just drinking that Daniel desperately needs to come to terms with.
LUKE
Everything Luke he wears is standard fare for a generic Outdoor Enthusiast from Colorado. The type that fills your local REI on a Sunday afternoon. This is not a Bad manner of dressing, of course! But it is surprisingly Boring for a Bravo Boy. He would honestly look cooler if he wore one of Kristin’s faux-vintage t-shirts. Luke’s TurboNormie style stands in sharp contrast to a cast filled with try-hards on a network full of over-the-top outfits. The only bit of flash Luke enjoys is a souvenir hat from a bar called Shellback Tavern. We identified it to be a run-of-the-mill beach bar in Manhattan Beach, CA where locals and tourists get together to mix it up over some jello shots and Coronas. He’s got it in approximately 34 different colorways. He really, really likes that hat. He shows no other signs of flair, but he’s really into this hat. It is truly an impressive commitment to a signature accessory that tells the world absolutely nothing about who he is. Just like the rest of Luke’s kits. And personality. Boring!
JASON
Janet probably buys his clothes.
ZACK
We can’t really see anything past the smirk. It is perhaps the most undeserved shit-eating-grin we’ve ever seen. Where does the attitude come from? It’s certainly not from being a Nice person. It is absolutely not from being a famous star. And it is definitely not because he can Get Dressed! The backwards snapbacks would be much more at home in The OC than The Valley. He dresses a little bit like a long lost Sheckler brother. He’s still running slim ripped jeans (what is with these dudes?!), and other abominations. Zack is still running a zip hoodie with a vibe similar to 2010 Justin Bieber. In the current War on the Zip Hoodie, he’s doing irreparable harm to Team Zip Up. He almost has us second guessing our position. And that shit-eating grin is his signature accessory. He constantly looks like he smelled something. Probably the stench emanating from his Stinky Style. Your Shit Really Really Stinks Bro!
AARON
We can’t help but wonder if Jax and Aaron share the same affinity for nose beers. Either that or his face froze that way the first time he laid eyes on Jesse in one of his idiotic costumes.
JESSE
This guy is like a rejected character from The Pickup Artist in every way. Probably because he, like many other douchebags of his generation, patterned his whole life after these purported Masters of Banging Chicks. He flexes his Leadership and Dominance in group settings. He treats women like Shit, a form of manipulation that they call “negging.” They believe women will want you more if you’re mean to them (?). And, of course, Jesse is a motherfucking Peacock. In pickup speak, peacocking means wearing extremely strange getups to get attention. He busts out way-too-tight tailoring in gross colors. Often rocking pants with insane patterns (derogatory), Jesse’s ankles are always visible thanks to a combination of short hems, no socks, and some nasty loafers. When he shifts into casual mode, we see a more form fitting clothes paired with a variety of goofy hats and more nasty loafers. No matter the occasion, you can count on Jesse to show up looking like a total fucking dipshit. All attention is good attention?
JAX
Reality television has completely morphed into a vehicle for Self Promotion. So many storylines are about the drama stemming from a star’s podcast, a podcast that only exists because of their reality television stardom. The worst offenders are usually decked out in their own merch. Jason Cauchi is Public Enemy Number One when it comes to Shitty Self Promotion. Relentlessly repping a 3.7 Star bar and restaurant with an addiction-themed section of the menu is bad enough, but Jax’s Studio City also happens to have the worst logo of all time. And he wore that Shit all over his body this season. He wears the same combination of Jax’s hat, tee, hoodie, and sweats every time he’s on the screen, in either Brilliant Black or Wondrous White, to bombard the audience with the fact that his life has climaxed with his name on a bar. Sure, his marriage is over, he may never see his child again, he has an addiction to cocaine that he may or may not be treating, and he’s in jeopardy of losing everything at any moment for being such a huge piece of shit. But his name is on a bar! Well, unfortunately he lost his job on Bravo and his name on Jax’s in a matter of days. Rest in peace to Jax’s bar and his wardrobe.
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.