TWR Special Edition: Oops! All Enemies!
Too many Enemies to choose from
It’s the day after Thanksgiving and we’re done being Thankful. We’re back to being Hateful. There were so many Dipshits last week that we simply couldn’t choose one Enemy of the Week. Welcome to a special edition of TWR we’re calling Oops! All Enemies!
💥TUESDAY MEANS WAR, BUT SOME WEEKS REQUIRE MORE💥
ENEMIES OF THE WEEK
Southern Charm
Shep, Craig, and Austen are back to ravage the women of Charlston with their braindead conversation and Shitty Southern Style on the new season of Southern Charm. Tweedledee, Tweedledum, and Tweedledipshit are dripped in their usual steez of novelty trucker hats, criminally low rise pants, and Columbia PFG leisure wear that somehow gets the southern women revved up. Craig is working through his breakup with hissy fits and stubbornness, Austen is telling himself he’s happy with his girlfriend when we all know it’s only a matter of time before he cheats, and Shep is just continuing his Peter Pan schtick for the world to cringe at. We miss JT, who combined hilariously bad fits and small dog syndrome to be the only person who actually saw these idiots for what they are, though that was probably just because Shep bullied him so bad he realized they’d never let him into the group. Strap on your seat belts because we’re in for another fucking season of watching these doofuses think with their dicks and step on the proverbial rakes, same as it ever was. Can we get a Vanderpump-style cast refresh, PLEASE!
Dadtok
The only collection of dumbasses more cringe than the Southern Charmers is Dadtok, the men of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. This group of guys is known for two things: being married to reality stars and making stupid videos to post on social media. They all seem to follow the same format from the early days of Tiktok, primarily just lipsyncing existing audio in a completely unoriginal way. Is this #content? Who’s watching that Shit? Jordan is a controlling asshole whose wife cheated on him, Dakota is a serial cheater who hooked up with his baby mama’s mama’s friend, Jacob is boring and has a head like a lego man, Jace impregnated his wife when he was 21 and she was 15, Zac is a deeply insecure and controlling jerk, and Conner was caught on Grindr and is probably deeply and torturously closeted thanks to his indoctrination in that Fucked Up Faith.
Steve Caballero
Skateboarding’s OGs just keep outing themselves as angry old pricks, and Cab’s the latest in line. He let the world know that he’s a proud Islamaphobe via his IG Story, following it up with a feed post about authenticity captioned with some Shit about being a “punker” and not backing down. He blocked us, so we can’t recall the details and don’t care enough about that Dipshit to Do Our Own Research, as they say. Many of skating’s original heroes have gone on to become miserable religious wackjobs, and the MAGA movement seems to be encouraging them to speak their piece in recent years. Cab’s idiocy isn’t necessarily surprising, as those who are Tapped In certainly remember his brief public romance with a woman less than half his age that ended with her breaking his heart and him being more emo than a teenager on IG for months. Vans gotta take his name off the Half Cab and give it to Dick Rizzo.
Steph Curry
Wardell made waves around the Basketball Universe when he and Under Armour announced their Conscious Decoupling, allowing Steph to retain all the rights to his Curry Brand and become a sneaker free agent. He’s making the most of it, popping up before each game in a pair of non-UA kicks that gets the heads talking and everyone thinking he’s been a lowkey sneakerhead languishing in UA BullShit all this time. Listen Up: that man is perhaps the most swagless hooper of all time. There’s never been anything cool about him, even as he torched the league and the record books on his way to becoming one of the best players in NBA history. Off the court, he dresses like every other millennial man that shops via IG ads and enjoys golf and craft beer on the weekends. Someone is hooking him up with those kicks, telling him what to wear to keep this momentum going and try to get one of the Big Brands to think he has some juice to tap into. He’s 37, devoid of Cool, and is positioning himself as Mr. Family Man Youth Pastor for his post-NBA career. The best he can hope for is landing with Skechers to give them some buzz or linking with Klay at Anta to get that China money.
Sean Duffy
The best way to stop all these plane crashes and IT disruptions and air traffic controller shortages? You people need to dress better when you fly! That’s the guidance from the actual real life Secretary of Transportation, Sean Duffy. Another fucking moron with no business working in government appointed by a deranged octogenarian with an adderal addiction, Duffy has turned to idiotic twitter takes to run one of the most important agencies with regard to our country’s safety. Respectfully, it’s your own people that are the worst offenders of your own guidance, Mr. Secretary! They also put this moron in charge of NASA, so we’re excited to see how he plans to spruce up our sloppy astronauts to make sure they get back to the moon in the next million years!
Marty Supreme Merch
The jacket that has shown up on the likes of Kendall Jenner and Kid Cudi finally dropped to the public this week, and the mindless fools of the internet collectively lost their grip on reality to get their hands on merch for the new Timothee Chalamet film that doesn’t even release for another month. First of all, it’s wild to lust over merchandise for a film you’ve never even seen simply because they seeded it to celebs (and Cudi). Second of all, the jacket is not even Cool. The icing on the cake was the outrage over the $250 price tag. That’s standard for a jacket in today’s marketplace, but also roughly 68% cheaper than a standard one made by Marty Supreme manufacturer Nahmias - made in USA Luxury Fashion Shit inspired by “A HIGH-GRADE YET INFORMAL MIX OF SKATE, BASKETBALL, SURF, AND HIP-HOP CODES, MELDED INTO AN ASCENDANT READY-TO-WEAR LABEL OF MODERN CALIFORNICATION.” The movie better be good!
Ronnie Fieg
At this point, we gotta blame the brands that are still banging down his door to plaster Kith logos all over their shit, because Ronnie won’t turn down a bag and there’s no other way to end the madness. Kith was the quickest brand to go from Exciting to Wack, and also might be entirely responsible for the collapse of sneaker culture and fashion’s endless supply of stupid collaborations. Please stop.
Michael Porter Jr.
We have a personal vendetta against MPJ for decommitting and abandoning the Washington Huskies back in 2017. Unfortunately, he won an NBA championship on the back of Nikola Jokic and now this Idiot thinks the world needs to hear his moronic opinions on a podcast. A recent viral clip saw him bitch about tipping, refusing to tip 20% despite raking in $153M in his illustrious career. The guy had a hell of an offseason, admitting that he wouldn’t want a gay son and that he’s a big fan of Andrew Tate. His little brother Jontay was banned from the NBA last year after getting caught up in a gambling scheme, and another younger brother was sentenced to six years in prison for killing a woman driving drunk just a month later. It’s always the most vocally pious motherfuckers! What’s up with that?
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.