Garms Going Wacko Mode
Put 100K in my grills, shawty / That’s the way that I feel, shawty / Ice cream on my face and chain / 'Cause that’s the life that I live, shawty
Snakeskin tops, Real Baggy Jeans, and CLOGS are your sartorial selections this week as we turn the page from summer to fall. Our Soldier is the one and only Bryan from Dime! Is Ritchie Torres actually human?
TUESDAY MEANS WAR
TACTICAL UPDATES
UPPER UNIFORM
Python Knit Polo Shirt by Wacko Maria/Guilty Parties
It’s officially Meteorological Fall as of September 1st, so it’s time to ensure your Garm Locker is properly stocked for the cooler temperatures to come. We’ll all settle into a uniform built around hoodies and crewnecks soon enough. Why not go a little Nutty from time to time? Wacko Maria/Guilty Parties has been making their signature knit polos forever - done up in various animal prints and funky colorways. Stepping into the function in a Wacko Maria polo is like busting through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man. It is not subtle and it is not to be missed. Even though Soldiers don’t want to be gawked at by a room full of rubes, certain pieces are simply made to be Stunted and the stares are a side effect. Opting for a long sleeve is the move for a number of reasons, chief among them being that this limits the garm to be worn in only specific Missions and Environments. Short sleeves could tempt a Soldier into over-rocking a garm that should be used sparingly. It’s important for Soldiers to be Sauced Up at all times without constantly Banging the normies over the dome. Give their meek little fashion brains a rest!
LOWER UNIFORM
Cromer Pant by Huf
Every Soldier has some misses in their past - riding a wave that wasn’t quite theirs because it looks Tight as Hell on other Commandos. TWR dove into the Ultra Baggy Pantoverse several years ago, swept up in the gigantic clothes fervor that tore through The War Effort like the magic bullet through JFK. We forced the uniform longer than we should’ve, learning the hard way that each Soldier needs to identify their Personal Uniform Style and everything doesn’t work for everyone. Gigantic jeans is not the right silhouette for us. We tried them all - Philly’s, CCS, Polars - but we really like the Cromers from Huf. Brad and the crew hit all the right notes for a great looking pair of jeans that’s also functional. They’re B-A-G-G-Y but typically come in denim and canvas that’s lighter weight than other massive pants, a nice option for Sweaty Soldiers. Reinforced seams make sure they hold up In The Field, and they’re offered in a wide variety of colors and materials to suit all tastes. While other jeans fuck up the critically important Taper, the Cromers hit the perfect opening to show off your kicks as well as make sure your feet and board are still visible when you look down. Shit is moving back into Tight Territory these days, but there’s still plenty of Cracking options for the TWR Massive.
FOOTWEAR
Hyperport Leather Clog by Keen and Metalwood
Golf is fucking wack. We don’t need to go long on the reasons (TWR Commandos are well versed) but if you read that sentence in horror then we recommend familiarizing yourself with the TWR archives to understand the key differences between Good Shit and Wack Shit. Despite its overwhelming wackness, there’s some Cool people who golf and make Cool Golf Shit (aside: Malbon is dabbling dangerously with Wackness, but we still respect a Real OG Soldier). Metalwood is in that lane, making their name with trendy camouflage hats emblazoned with a cool font before inevitably branching into everything else. They’ve got The Standards you need for every stuffy course, like polos and raingear and braided belts. You can hit the links in Metalwood-branded FootJoys and headcovers. And for those of us who don’t golf but like Cool clothes, they’ve linked up with Keen for some post-round clogs that would look even better worn a million miles from a golf course. Every soldier needs a recovery slide, as we’ve covered in depth previously, and these are a stunning mix of rugged utility and subtle luxury. The Aquagrip rubber sole lets you stomp across all terrains, while the taupe leather upper injects that little bit of “expensive” you need to show off around the country club. The Metalwood Golfer is the cig-blasting, Modelo-pounding, Cool-dressing anti-Golfer. As Metalwood has grown, the hats have sprung up on the heads of the same type of fellas rocking these off the course - can Metalwood make these fools cool or are they destined to take down Metalwood like so many other Cool brands before them? Who cares, golf is fucking wack.
FIELD NOTES
SOLDIER OF THE WEEK
Bryan from Dime
Another Dime Glory Challenge has come and gone, and we can all thank Bryan from Dime for his hard work and dedication to making it a special event for those in attendance and everyone watching around the world. Thank you, Bryan!
ENEMY OF THE WEEK
Ritchie Torres
If you’d like to see the opposite of a Soldier (a Poosey) in action, check out this outstanding interview with Empty Shell Ritchie Torres, a “Congressman” from New York. Ritchie is one of those politicians that genuinely appears to be manufactured in a lab - he dresses like Shit, he stands for absolutely nothing, he’s unable to formulate an original thought, and he masquerades as a Fighter for the People when he’s actually just representing whoever puts the most money in his pocket. The man is a walking stereotype of the worst kind - the perfect embodiment of the failure of American democracy. His mannerisms are so unnatural that we wonder whether the AI has already begun merging with human meat, still unable to actually be human. Ritchie is so oblivious to the world around him that he agreed to be interviewed by Adam Friedland. His team could’ve avoided this embarrassment with 30 seconds of research into Adam’s background and leanings, but that’s a bridge too far for the Desperate Dems trying to find relevance any way they can. This one really blew up in Ritchie’s face, and he’s probably done in DC, so maybe it’s time to pivot right like many other Pooseys before him.
You’re now up to speed on the latest from the battlefield. Use this intel wisely and pass it on to others who may need our guidance. We can’t win the war unless we’re in it together.